Women, if I understood them half as well as I understand fractions, I'd have said a third. But I don't have time for a third, or even my other half, because I spend all my time trying to stretch a quarter into a buck.

“If my last name were Bedient, I’d want to Irishize it and have you call me O’Be…”

“Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t love a man who wears an eye patch. For…”

“I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already t…”

“Both things have pros, and both have cons, but I think the pros and cons equal …”