Yesterday I complained of chest pains. My cat scratched my nipples.

“I just made ice cream. Accidentally. I made regular cream, and then winter kick…”

“A brick could be strapped to the back of a pet gerbil, to teach it how to swim.…”

“Don’t invite me to my birthday party until the day after it’s happened.”

“I was born with a lazy eye. It didn’t define me as a person. It did, however, d…”