Yesterday I memorized Shakespeare, and tomorrow I'm also going to memorize his first name.

“I’ll piss in a cup for you. You can run a drug test on it, or you can drink it.”

“I travel light. But not at the same speed.
”

“My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up p…”

“The idea of a blind date scares me. But a deaf date would be great.”