You don't need a weapon to protect yourself.

“I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the …”

“It's a funny thing about Americans, we love to bitch about paying too much for …”

“Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the …”

“Since nobody reacts to car alarms anymore, stop putting alarms in cars. Face it…”