You won’t ever catch me wearing an oven mitt, because what’s wrong with a regular condom? If I’m wearing an oven mitt, I’m too late, because you’ve already got one in the oven.

“He was a pleasant fellow, saying please and thank you as he pounded me in the f…”

“If I offer you a glass of water, and bring back a cup of ice, I’m trying to tea…”

“Even if I worked in the corruption capital of the world, Washington DC, I would…”

“I once met an asexual unicycle, but I wasn’t wearing rubber gloves so I didn’t …”