Your dinner is mocking me. I’ll kill it and eat it.

“Sometimes when I’m watching TV and I see a horrible commercial I think, “Only a…”

“Most of the time, I feel like Phelps. At least when I’m not winning Olympic gol…”

“We were wearing diapers at the same time. We didn’t grow up together, however. …”

“I keep my phone on vibrate, and I keep it close to my genitals. You should call…”