Writing is a muscle. Smaller than a hamstring and slightly bigger than a bicep, and it needs to be exercised to get stronger. Think of your words as reps, your paragraphs as sets, your pages as daily workouts. Think of your laptop as a machine like the one at the gym where you open and close your inner thighs in front of everyone, exposing both your insecurities and your genitals. Because that is what writing is all about.
Colin NissanTags: writing-advice
If you come a little closer you will see that I am depicted as having three penises. Of course I’m not insinuating that I actually have three penises or even two. I have one. This is called symbolism. Is it symbolic in the sense that making love to me feels like I have three penises? Again, I can’t answer that, but probably, yeah.
Colin NissanTags: humor funny narcissism self-portrait
By educating me at home, my parents were able to give me individualized attention without the usual distractions that kids in regular school experience, like dating and friendship. Not to mention that traditional school can be dangerous. I’ve heard about kids catching the flu and chicken pox, even Judaism.
And how about those poor kids lugging all those heavy books to and from school every day? My books never went anywhere, just like me. I felt so bad when I’d see kids on my street giggling and chasing each other around with those awkward backpacks.
Tags: humor satire funny homeschooling
LEARN FROM THE MASTERS:
Mark Twain once said, “Show, don’t tell.” This is an incredibly important lesson for writers to remember; never get such a giant head that you feel entitled to throw around obscure phrases like “Show, don’t tell.” Thanks for nothing, Mr. Cryptic.
Tags: humor writing satire funny
A writer’s brain is full of little gifts, like a piñata at a birthday party. It’s also full of demons, like a piñata at a birthday party in a mental hospital. The truth is, it’s demons that keep a tortured writer’s spirit alive, not Tootsie Rolls. Sure they’ll give you a tiny burst of energy, but they won’t do squat for your writing. So treat your demons with the respect they deserve, and with enough prescriptions to keep you wearing pants.
Colin NissanTags: humor writing writers funny
I hate Risk. I have for many years now. I hate that you still like Risk. I hate that you guilt me into playing with you because no one else will. I hate that you do the accents of the countries you’re attacking from. And I hate that you wear a beret every time we play. God, do I hate the beret.
Colin NissanTags: humor funny hatred risk berets
Now it’s time to make the masts and booms out of toothpicks, then tie very fine wire around the ends of the toothpicks to act as hinges. This is also very easy, unless you have human hands, then it will be unbelievably fucking exasperating because everything you’re working with is fucking miniscule and dumb.
Colin NissanTags: ship-in-a-bottle
The more specific you are about your resolution, the better your chance of sticking with it. Don’t just say, “I want to lose weight.” Say, “When my arm jiggles, I want it to look less like a pelican’s throat-pouch choking down a bass.
Colin NissanTags: new-years-resolution
Laughter has proven to be useful in other ways, too. It can make an awkward silence a lot less awkward, like when you’re in a terrible marriage or an elevator.
Colin NissanTags: the-gift-of-laughter
There are five types of laughter to choose from. You can giggle, chuckle, howl, chortle, and, in extreme cases when you’re wearing a monocle, even guffaw.
Colin NissanTags: the-gift-of-laughter
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