After swimming to France, Carlisle went to some universities, where he fell in love with medicine. He believed that by helping sick people, he could make up for some of the horrible things vampires have done. Maybe this is why Angelina Jolie adopts all those kids! It all makes sense. She must be a vampire. She has the sexy good looks, the overly dramatic attitude, and I've never seen her sleep or eat. Case closed.

Dan Bergstein


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I like the idea of Warrior Flitwick running to save the day by screaming, "Let's do some charm harm, my snitches!

Dan Bergstein

Tags: harry-potter



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I also took a stab at drawing a Novem-Bear. I don't know what a Novem is, but I assumed it meant "balloon salesman." And the Novem-Bear has tentacles because it should.

Dan Bergstein


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The trick to taking the paper off the crayons...is to just do it. There is no trick.

Dan Bergstein

Tags: life-lessons



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It's not that I'm weak, it's that I'm scared of most things.

Dan Bergstein


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It's curling ribbon, but you don't have to curl it. You don't have to do everything the ribbon tells you to do. Don't live your life like that.

Dan Bergstein

Tags: humor life-lessons



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You can tell I don't like this book, because I drew in it. And that's better than anything else that's in this book.

Dan Bergstein


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You can add some class to it by sealing it with wax. This makes me feel like I'm a Baron sending a letter to the Duchess. Look at that sophistication.

Dan Bergstein


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We're not making mistakes. We're making experiences.

Dan Bergstein

Tags: inspirational life-lessons



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Ninja beats pirate. Pirate beats ghost.
Ghost beats zombie. Zombie beats most.
Werewolf beats vampire. Vamp beats Imp.
Imp beats fiend. Fiend beats wimp.
Wizard beats cyrborg. Cyborg surely beats troll.
Troll beats goblin. Goblin eats a hermit’s soul.
Hermit beats child. Child beats wagon.
Wagon beats moon snake. Moon snake beats dragon.
Dragon beats hydra. Hydra beats sailor.
Sailor beats teacher. Teacher beats tailor.
Tailor beats sun worm. Sun worm beats clown.
Clown beats robo-squid. Robo-squid beats town.

Town fights jackals. Town will win.
Town fights mummies. Town won’t fight again.

Zookeeper beats hell hound. Hell hound beats giant.
Giant beats accountant. Accountant beats client.
Client beats frog. Frog beats himself.
Knight beats Big Foot. Big Foot beats elf.
Elf beats pixie. Pixie beats specter.
Specter beats sea hag. Sea hag beats Hector.
Hector beats serpent. Serpent beats rat.
Rat beats Grandma. Grandma beats cat.
Lava beats demon. Demon beats warlock.
Warlock beats dinosaur. Dino beats Spock.
Spock beats Lando. Lando beats Qui-Gon.
Qui-Gon beats Jar-Jar. Jar-Jar beats none.

Rock beats scissors. Scissors beat paper.
Paper beats insect. Insect beats vapor.
Wood Woman beats Tree Man. Tree Man beats the dark.
The dark kills spider-fish. Spider-fish beats shark.
You beat me. I beat a dentist.
The dentist beats the barber. The barber is menaced.
These are the rules, and never forget.
Now hand over your money and place your bet.

Dan Bergstein

Tags: poetry



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