If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
David SedarisTags: sympathy
If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.
David SedarisTags: justice privacy diaries journals
All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.
David SedarisTags: individuality identity
Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shit. Windy as shit. I myself was confounded as shit...
David SedarisTags: profanity swearing shit tofu
After a few months in my parents' basement, I took an apartment near the state university, where I discovered both crystal methamphetamine and conceptual art. Either one of these things are dangerous, but in combination they have the potential to destroy entire civilizations.
David SedarisTags: art drugs conceptual-art crystal-meth
We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.
David SedarisTags: humor drinking emotion affection alcohol
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.
David SedarisTags: changing-others
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.
David SedarisTags: humor perception retardation
For as long as I can remember, my father saved. He saves money, he saves disfigured sticks that resemble disfigured celebrities, and most of all, he saves food. Cherry tomatoes, sausage biscuits, the olives plucked from other people's martinis --he hides these things in strange places until they are rotten. And then he eats them.
David SedarisTags: family food cheapness packrat strangeness
Hugh and I have been together for so long that in order to arouse extraordinary passion, we need to engage in physical combat. Once, he hit me on the back of the head with a broken wineglass, and I fell to the floor pretending to be unconscious. That was romantic, or would have been had he rushed to my side rather than stepping over my body to fetch the dustpan.
David SedarisTags: romance sex relationships fighting
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