We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.
Jim GaffiganBe undeniable.
Jim GaffiganTags: weird keep-it-crispy pete-holmes you-made-it-weird
Directions to our apartment should always end with “…and follow the sound of screaming children”.
Jim GaffiganNursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.
Jim GaffiganRaising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.
Jim GaffiganOther people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.
Jim GaffiganThere are two philosophies when it comes to getting young children to sleep. There is 'sleep training,' which basically involves putting your kids to bed and listening to them scream all night; or there is 'attachment parenting,' which essentially involves lying down with your kids, cuddling them, and then listening to them scream all night.
Jim GaffiganTags: parenting-humor attachment-parenting sleep-training
Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.
Jim GaffiganTags: parenting-humor
I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.
Jim GaffiganTV news is like kryptonite to children. The two major shifts in taste for children to adulthood are news and mustard. Kids hate news and mustard. Well, mustard even has the word 'turd' in it. Maybe I should threaten my kids that if they don't go to bed, I will force them to watch an hour-long newscast about mustard.
Jim GaffiganTags: children parenting child-rearing
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