Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.

Karl Pilkington

Tags: humor



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It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey

Karl Pilkington

Tags: animals writing monkeys publishing apes publication



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The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

Karl Pilkington

Tags: marriage tattoos



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They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

Karl Pilkington

Tags: science humour environmentalism fish ocean climate-change



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There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.

Karl Pilkington

Tags: humour babies frogs eavesdropping



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[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

Karl Pilkington

Tags: environment water ocean jellyfish



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I could eat a knob at night.

Karl Pilkington

Tags: humour



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Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

Karl Pilkington

Tags: humor gandhi travel india



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The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.

Karl Pilkington

Tags: humor religion jordan



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I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

Karl Pilkington


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