Due to budget constraints I've rewritten the script, condensing all four of the Twilight Opuses into one epic screenplay. We'll shoot it over two days. I cut out New Moon,' he added quickly, 'Edward's not in it that much. And I also took out the bits in Italy, as well as all the fight scenes. Those are too expensive to film. And there are no wolves in it either...the CGI would have blown the budget.
Lola SaltTags: humour twilight romantic-comedy
Now, listen Tyler,' Lara said, feeling a little impatient. She rather liked a cuddle after sex, and a bit of kissing. But a guilt trip was absolutely unacceptable, even if they were lying naked on someone else's kitchen table.
Lola SaltTags: romance comedy lara-craft lola-salt
Those bastards at the casting agency said I couldn't play Edward Cullen. Well, I'm going to show them. I'm making my own movie. And I'm going to star in it.'
'You're remaking Twilight?'
'Yes.
This isn't just any shirt,' he told her. 'This shirt was worn by he-who-must-not-be-named in the first of the Twilight films.'
Lara's mouth fell open. She blinked several times. What was he talking about? Voldemort wasn't even in Twilight.
Pirates?' Lara gasped. 'But we're not at sea. How can they be pirates?'
Weren't pirates supposed to wear eye-patches, feather earrings and lots of black eye-liner, and say 'arrrrr' a lot? Or was that just Johnny Depp? Lara was confused.
Don't you want to find your purpose?'
Lara glared at her. 'Right now my purpose is to get the hell out of here and then I'll figure the rest of it out the normal way; by drinking vodka. Or maybe I'll read Eat, Pray, Love all the way through...
Somehow, perhaps because of the way he spoke in a manner reminiscent of Jack Bauer from 24, Lara calmed down. She repeated his words in her head. Wait. Assess. Intel. Yes, OK, that sounded sensible.
Then the hysterical coward in her reared up unannounced and she tried to run for the door again.
I hope you'll stay for Blissology?' the man suddenly said, grabbing for her hand.
'For what?'
Davidoff smiled serenely at her. 'I'm a holistic escort. I have a PHD in Blissology from the Maharishi Kundalini University of Carlsbad. I'm about to hold a session.'
'Right,' said Lara. 'What do you do exactly?'
'Well, I interpret our human purpose by looking at quantum physics, an individual's astrological alignments and the I Ching.'
'And what does that mean exactly in English,' she questioned, feeling herself zoning out.
Would you like some sacred chocolate?' a girl asked, appearing suddenly at Lara's side. 'They've very special chocolates,' she said, pushing a plate of the goods in Lara's direction. 'They're raw and sweetened with Stevia.'
Stevia, huh? Lara grabbed a chocolate truffle and popped it into her mouth, winking at the girl. She hoped the 'stevia' would kick in soon, because frankly, it looked like these women were having a better time than she'd had in ages.
Tags: humour comedy romance-novels
CP,' she hissed, more urgently now. 'We're only pretending for goodness sake. Just pretend I'm Jakey G and you're Heath Ledger. Go for it!
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