Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tags: humour funny crime



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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tags: humour funny neighborhoods



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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tags: psychiatry



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My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tags: marriage



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I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tags: humour funny crime neighborhoods



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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tags: sports



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I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, 'no.

Rodney Dangerfield


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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tags: humor humour



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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tags: humor parents kids moving found



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I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Rodney Dangerfield

Tags: humor



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