I guess I'm just an old mad scientist at bottom. Give me an underground laboratory, half a dozen atom-smashers, and a beautiful girl in a diaphanous veil waiting to be turned into a chimpanzee, and I care not who writes the nation's laws.

S.J. Perelman

Tags: science science-fiction government sci-fi



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A farm is an irregular patch of nettles bounded by short-term notes, containing a fool and his wife who didn’t know enough to stay in the city.

S.J. Perelman

Tags: urban cities farm farming farms rural



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If, at the close of business each evening, I myself can understand what I've written, I feel the day hasn't been totally wasted.

S.J. Perelman

Tags: writing



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Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin .. it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring

S.J. Perelman


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One stifling summer afternoon last August, in the attic of a tiny stone house in Pennsylvania, I made a most interesting discovery: the shortest, cheapest method of inducing a nervous breakdown ever perfected. In this technique..., the subject is placed in a sharply sloping attic heated to 340 F and given a mothproof closet known as the Jiffy-Cloz to assemble.

S.J. Perelman

Tags: great-lead



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The main obligation is to amuse yourself.

S.J. Perelman


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You'll have to leave my meals on a tray outside the door because I'll be
working pretty late on the secret of making myself invisible, which may take me almost until eleven o'clock.

S.J. Perelman

Tags: work satire invisible kick captain meal perelman



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