Denial returned, like a nagging cough you can never quite shake. Actually, it was always close at hand, and even though "satanic ritual abuse" did describe what had happened to me when I was a child. the concept was so foreign and so horrific that some part of me still wanted to stay in denial.
Devil worship dominated my childhood. That was undeniable, even if it was still nearly impossible to contemplate. Both of my parents and any number of their friends, as well as "respected" members of our community, had worshipped Satan.
I pushed the notion aside with all the power I could muster. I kept thinking to myself that it was ridiculous and impossible.
p157
Tags: consciousness devil denial satan personality awareness presence dissociation child-abuse ritual-abuse multiplicity dissociative-identity-disorder horrific derealization satanic-ritual-abuse dissociative multiple-personality devil-worship
This new co-consciousness brought me to a state of awareness in which my core personality was directly able to experience "her" personality. Being co-conscious with her, he explained, would stop me from experiencing the feeling of leaving my body or dissociating.
Suzie BurkeTags: personality awareness presence dissociation ritual-abuse multiplicity dissociative-identity-disorder derealization satanic-ritual-abuse dissociative consciosness multiple-personality
I honestly didn't believe I could bear any more suffering. I was convinced that the child within me was just too young to endure all this, much less understand it. She just wanted to be normal. But another part of me knew that to become normal, all the pieces of this puzzle had to become conscious.
p164
Tags: consciousness personality awareness presence dissociation ritual-abuse multiplicity dissociative-identity-disorder derealization satanic-ritual-abuse dissociative multiple-personality
On its own, my internal dissociated part now came to the surface, and I found myself hiding from everyone. I still was not connecting it to the dream I'd had. At one time I had thought I could control these sudden episodes, but I was apparently mistaken. I had grown very unsure about every facet of my mental health. A disturbed part of me was taking over and I was terrified. I began to wonder if Big Suzie would completely cease to exist.
Suzie BurkeTags: consciousness personality awareness presence dissociation multiplicity dissociative-identity-disorder multiple-personality-disorder dissociative
I'm back in the basement of the Ascension Catholic Church, Francisco. And Little Suzie is here. She's lying on an alter, and they're hurting her. The bastards. They're hurting her. There is blood all over the place. There are candles burning and people chanting." I could hardly believe what I was seeing and I cried out, "What is this? I don't understand. What the hell is this?"
"Ask your unconscious mind to tell you, Suzie," he responded, ever so gently. "Ask."
I did ask. And the answer swept over me with a force so strong that I felt as if I had been knocked backward.
"Lord! Oh, Lord. This is satanic ritual abuse, Francisco. That's what this is! That's what this is!" I screamed. "Satanic ritual abuse. And they're using Little Suzie as part of their goddamned ritual.
p150
Tags: memory ritual personality dissociation child-abuse trauma ritual-abuse abuse dissociative-identity-disorder satanic-ritual-abuse dissociative multiple-personality
I am truly crazy, I told myself. It's over. I am not fixable. I cannot tell Tom. I cannot even tell Francisco. So I won't tell anyone. My brain seemed out of control. Tom does not deserve a crazy wife and my children do not deserve a crazy mother. I finally get it. This is not just repressed memory. This is dissociative identity disorder.
Suzie BurkeTags: memory crazy amnesia dissociation ritual-abuse multiplicity dissociative-identity-disorder multiple-personality-disorder diagnosis satanic-ritual-abuse dissociative recovered-memory repressed-memory multiple-personality
At cocktail parties, I played the part of a successful businessman's wife to perfection. I smiled, I made polite chit-chat, and I dressed the part. Denial and rationalization were two of my most effective tools in working my way through our social obligations. I believed that playing the roles of wife and mother were the least I could do to help support Tom's career.
During the day, I was a puzzle with innumerable pieces. One piece made my family a nourishing breakfast. Another piece ferried the kids to school and to soccer practice. A third piece managed to trip to the grocery store. There was also a piece that wanted to sleep for eighteen hours a day and the piece that woke up shaking from yet another nightmare. And there was the piece that attended business functions and actually fooled people into thinking I might have something constructive to offer.
I was a circus performer traversing the tightwire, and I could fall off into a vortex devoid of reality at any moment. There was, and had been for a very long time, an intense sense of despair. A self-deprecating voice inside told me I had no chance of getting better. I lived in an emotional black hole.
p20-21, talking about dissociative identity disorder (formerly multiple personality disorder).
Tags: reality social despair emotion denial depression acting perfection social-anxiety puzzle hopeless hopelessness mental-health rationalization mental-illness circus pieces pretending dissociative-identity-disorder multiple-personality-disorder black-hole parts mpd did functioning
Not wanting the girls to endure the shame of a crazy mother, I spent my days acting as normal as possible. I walked through life, an actor in a Leave it to Beaver episode, determined to disguise all clues of my real condition until... well, until I could find an appropriate moment to do away with myself." [...]
"Yet even as my depression spiraled into ever more precarious territory, I retained an uncanny ability to disguise my true mental condition from everyone except Tom. He was my sole source of strength and he never stopped encouraging me.
Tags: despair emotion depression acting daughters hopelessness mental-health mental-illness disguise suicidality pretending dissociative-identity-disorder multiple-personality-disorder depressive mpd severe-depression suicidehopeless
Page 1 of 1.
Data privacy
Imprint
Contact
Diese Website verwendet Cookies, um Ihnen die bestmögliche Funktionalität bieten zu können.