Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Woody Allen

Tags: humor life art



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My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Woody Allen

Tags: life



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To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

Woody Allen

Tags: humor atheism absurd



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It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

Woody Allen

Tags: absurd



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Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe.
It required bandaging.

Woody Allen

Tags: absurd



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A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.
I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

Woody Allen

Tags: absurd



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I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Woody Allen


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Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Woody Allen

Tags: success



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I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Woody Allen

Tags: humor life sex



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Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Woody Allen


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