A blanket would be a great surface to print my new book on, so you could read it in bed while you’re having boring, obligatory sex with your spouse, who’s as dry and exciting as a sack of flour. 


“A brick could be used as the lead singer of a band called “The More Interesting…”

“Her mouth contorted, and the wrinkles around her lips were like the dunes of a …”

“I’m like a tree frog when it comes to birthdays. Basically, my thoughts on birt…”

“One magnifying glass and one moonlit night is not enough to light her ant-like …”