A magician who could make the audience’s problems disappear—now that’s someone I’d pay to throw tomatoes at. If I didn’t have any problems, I’d still have a problem, because I’d have nothing to blame my failures on.

“Give people a little, and they’ll want a lot. Give them a lot, and they’ll only…”

“My penis is like a wet noodle, only not as thick. Or tasty.”

“Save money on kids by volume. Deal in bulk and have dozens of kids.”

“A brick could be used to stop a murder. Just wedge it in front of the door of t…”