A tickle, an itch, and a scratch walk into a bar while I was in the corner drinking a thermos full of epidermis, and I thought, this must be what love feels like.

“A brick could be used to wash your hands. And after that, I’d suggest you wash …”

“I was raised in a fishing village in the middle of the desert. I sold hellos an…”

“Voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil. Next time, go all …”

“If someone asks you what the most popular form of transportation is, before you…”