Being in the womb was like taking a nine-month bath. I wanted to take a shower, but no matter how hard I kicked, or how loud I screamed, my mom wouldn’t listen.

“I would be an organ donor, but I’d much rather donate a piano.”

“I always wear size 14 boat shoes that are so old they could have been built by …”

“A brick could be used as bait for the vampire shark. Since nobody’s ever seen a…”

“I don’t have time to kill you, and you don’t have time to die, because I’m not …”