Dear 30 years old, why are you stalking me? Please leave me alone or I’ll be forced to alert the authorities.

“I remember in elementary school, Mother used to write my name on every single p…”

“I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried…”

“A brick could be used as bait for the vampire shark. Since nobody’s ever seen a…”

“Every morning I cheer on my Cheerios, but I don’t really want them to win. Secr…”