Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For example, I somehow managed to be born on the exact day of my birthday. And I wasn’t even trying, though my mother did push me along a bit.

“People say the early bird catches the worm. And it’s true! That’s why I work on…”

“I got into a car accident. My car was so damaged it changed from white to a pur…”

“Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch ou…”

“You can smuggle anything into an event inside empty pizza boxes. Carrying pizza…”