Five minutes ago it was five minutes late, and my watch is five minutes slow.

“I decorated my ballsack in his honor. I wrote, “Welcome home, dad.”

“When you pee in the sink, you don’t have to flush. Your hands are also right th…”

“The silence sounded like a fire alarm in my ears.”

“What do I do for fun? Well, I’d love to get into the bank robbing business, but…”