Good thing my mother-in-law isn’t pizza shaped, because then I’d have to cut her up into eight slices and serve her to her family. As it is, I only need to cut her up into four pieces, and serve her to the pigs.

“There are days when I don’t know how I live with myself. Those days are Sundays…”

“The book “Little Women,” what, is that about midgets? I freaking love midgets.”

“When someone insults me, I simply shut down. Then I open back up at 9 am the ne…”

“A brick could be used to brighten up your day, like a lampshade over the sun da…”