Handcuffs barely wrap around the girth of my penis. I should run for Congress.

“And then she walked out of my life forever. Too bad she was hitchhiking. I shou…”

“I enjoy scratching itches on my body with my beard stubble. The worst though is…”

“People don’t know I have a checkered past. I used to be a picnic table cloth.”

“My neck size is about the size of both of my girlfriend’s clenched hands.”