How’s my mom? My mother’s well, like a painting—a Motherwell.

“I long for your love like the length of a midget.”

“I don’t sleep on the left side of the bed, or the right side, because there is …”

“Having kids and making kids are two different hobbies. I don’t have any childre…”

“I’m no Arnold Schwarzenegger, but I have the definition of a dictionary. If you…”