I am the world’s greatest American. I narrowly beat out all of China for the title.

“Where was I last night? I don’t remember myself. I mean I remember me—I didn’t …”

“Nipples—men have them, but don’t need them. Men—women have them, but don’t need…”

“I’m so lonely, I just need somebody to call me—even if it’s a wrong number. I’m…”

“Masturbation, like writing, is best when your mind is working faster than your …”