I asked her if she’d give me all her love, and she flatly said no. I got excited because while she said she wouldn’t give me all her love, she said nothing about not wanting to give me some of her love.

“I feel self-conscious calling my cat fat in front of a fat person, considering …”

“A brick could be modified to be a cell phone, for construction workers who miss…”

“Suicide pact: I’ll shoot you, and then you’ll shoot me.”

“There are only two kinds of books worth keeping: Valuable books and valuable bo…”