I can guess which car my boss drives. I’ll just look for the one with the hole in the back, like an asshole.

“Somebody took my bicycle tire, my bicycle seat, and both my pedals. They stole …”

“During conversation, I have no problem making eye contact—with myself in the mi…”

“I’m wearing shoes made of sea foam, and I am here to seduce the elderly. If you…”

“Twitter—up to the minute minute details.”