I carry a door with me wherever I go, because one, it’s symbolic for the opportunities that’ll open up for me, and two, I want to be the best door-to-door salesman who sells doors, so I carry a sample with me everywhere.

“There’s a relentless wave of WTF coming out of Washington DC.”

“I have a container full of yelling I keep in my kitchen. It makes a great clean…”

“Though my skull is the size of a soup bowl, everything in the universe—and more…”

“My job is so boring I’m thinking of boring a second hole into my penis.”