I don’t like Mondays, especially if they occur on Fridays.

“Every mission needs ammunition, even if it’s not bullets, but fiery pep talks.”

“My penis burns. I guess I should stop trying to put out forest fires with it.”

“He told me he had a wife and daughter, and then he showed me a picture of an 8-…”

“I think they should combine the Summer and Winter Olympics and call it the Fall…”