I don’t like sleeping, but I do like watching the inside of my eyelids. That’s how I drive, and that’s how I make love. Honk when you’re finished.

“Her legs are so long and sexy that I can see them 26.2 miles away. Gatorade.
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“At the time of the murder, I had an airtight alibi: I spent the night in a Zipl…”

“My ex girlfriend said she’d never cheat on me. Well, she did—with an accountant…”

“Love is 90% what life is about, plus or minus 10%. Of course, I just made both …”