I don’t need a hearing aid—I need a listening aid. And this aid, she’d better be pleasing to look at.

“A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, "I like your suit." And the tai…”

“If my last name were Marriagenowsky, and I met another girl with that name, gue…”

“If I had nostrils on my index fingers, I wonder what the inside of my nose woul…”

“I’m so old school I’m like a one-room schoolhouse—with no bathroom. I always ke…”