I don’t need a steak knife to cut my meat. That’s why karate chops were created. I’m like a butter knife, only slightly less deadly. But I’m great with bagels—and disobedient old people.

“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For exam…”

“Thoughtlessness—I try not to think about it.”

“Question for your life: What is the price of love, and would you rather tally i…”

“If I were deaf, I’d wear loud clothing. My clothes would also be covered in cof…”