I got into a car accident. My car was so damaged it changed from white to a purple bruise color.

“One cup contains Starbucks coffee, and one holds diarrhea. But which is which? …”

“I want to be a standup economist, because isn’t money funny? Actually, without …”

“I didn’t work security at the dodge ball factory, but I was a bouncer.”

“English isn’t my first language—gibberish is.”