I got married at a good time, though a better time would have been 20 years from now.

“When a guy at the urinal says to me, "If you shake it more than twice, you're p…”

“My phone died, so I cremated it along with my grandpa. Well, he was taking up t…”

“My brain is an amazing machine. Too bad I can’t take credit for it. As brillian…”

“I want to grow a flower for every time someone tells me “F*** you.” Then I’ll g…”