I had nothing to eat for desert, so I ate a tube of toothpaste. The coolest part was not having to brush my teeth before bed.

“I want to publish a book on toilet paper—not only about toilet paper, but actua…”

“I long for your love like the length of a midget.”

“I fell in love with a beautiful girl, got her pregnant, and then I got married.…”

“In my closet I have boxes and boxes of secrets. These boxes are all empty, and …”