I hate when people say primitive people didn’t even have running water. What do they call rivers?

“My heartbeat’s so loud it’s like a tap dancer in my chest. No, it’s more like M…”

“Do I look like someone you know? Well you don’t know me, so why don’t you go bo…”

“I don’t need a napkin. That’s what pants are for.”

“My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection,…”