I have nowhere to go and no way to get there. But at least I’m not hitchhiking, because my thumbs are too proud—and too busy sexting your mom.

“I went to Bath and Body Works this morning, because I really needed a shower. H…”

“I have the heart of a lion, and the circulatory system of a lamb.”

“One javelin through five people is like a murder kabob. Saves bullets.”

“I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.”