I have so many pet peeves that I can’t even pet them all. And damn I wish they were furry.

“A pen is like a switchblade you can actually write with—and pull off a successf…”

“I like ice cream with my cake. But in moderation, and not like five gallons wit…”

“If you’re looking for someone to stand in the unemployment line, I’m the man fo…”

“I want to hire someone to stand outside my door and knock three times, with eac…”