I have the worst kind of history—a non history. I wasn’t born poor, oppressed, rich, famous, or any other such extreme. I was born in the middle, and I desperately want to hide it.

“If I had a clone, I could list myself as a character reference.”

“One thing my grandpa taught me was never fall asleep while swimming. Or, rather…”

“I don’t need a napkin. That’s what pants are for.”

“She had a forehead like a dance floor. You should have seen the way the sun dan…”