I just broke up with my girlfriend. My wife will be pleased. But first she’ll be displeased, because she didn’t know I had a girlfriend.

“I want to write the world’s worst cookbook, which I’ll title: “The World’s Wors…”

“I write like I make love: alone in my bathtub, as I let the fantasy overflow an…”

“Chairs have legs. Four of them, like my father. Meow.”

“Bread can soak up soup, but can it soak up all my love for you? I doubt it. You…”