I like my spaghetti like I like my women. All over my shirt.

“I’m underwater on my mortgage. Thankfully, I live on a submarine.”

“You know what I like most about people? Pets.
”

“A brick could be used like sandpaper, to smooth out a cat’s rough tongue.
”

“If somebody kills me, at least I won’t be accused of murder. Well, assuming all…”