I like the way I look, but I don’t like the way my mirror presents me. It’s biased.

“Ever since the day I came out of the womb, I’ve had impeccable timing. For exam…”

“Both sexes have assholes, and both sexes have nipples. Yet only asshole is a ge…”

“For admission to the bowling alley, you need underwear. I am responsible for th…”

“I work for a mom and pop business. They’re my mom and pop, and by work I mean t…”