I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.

“When I describe love to an emotional Helen Keller, I usually say it has four le…”

“I always lift both lids of the toilet seat before I pee. Then I sit down while …”

“I find politicians’ speeches moving. Sometimes I don’t even pack up before fore…”

“I am a contraction. I am I’m.”