I need to hire a babysitter for Friday night. I also need to buy myself some adult diapers.

“The earliest I’ve ever been late is on time.”

“We shouldn’t eat raw food. In fact, we probably shouldn’t even be listening to …”

“I’d like touch screens better if they were furry, like cats.”

“A brick could be used as a substitute for my father. I hate to admit it, but I …”