I put Chap Stick on before I read, because my lips move along with my eyes. Maybe when I’m a stronger reader, and can read such lofty literary classics such as “The Cat In The Hat,” I won’t need to protect my sensitive lips anymore.

“My lawyer’s name is Mr. Dentist. I have him on retainer. The police may think I…”

“Cher and share alike. At least in sound. Most of the decisions I make are sound…”

“I’m in great shape. I’m 30 years old, and I feel like I’m 29.”

“Boxes of toilet paper make the best birthday presents. They really show I give …”