I say we cut our government in half, with a chainsaw along their waists.

“She didn’t just disappear from my life—she had the audacity to die on me. And u…”

“Your dog looks dirty. You could give it a bath, or I could piss on it for free.…”

“I crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it in the garbage. Then I quickly snat…”

“My #love stories have happy endings, because I stop the tales before dejection,…”