I stepped on a banana spider today. I didn't crush it, but I did slip and fall. Then I got bit by one of the Three Stooges, possibly John McCain.

“On your birthday you should throw me a party. This is my advice for everybody, …”

“I’m always the last in love by exactly one person.”

“I don’t just have one mustache, I have two. You can hardly notice them, though,…”

“A brick could have been used as a father figure in place of my dad when I was g…”