I think coffee is the best drink known to man. I also think that wine is the best drink known to woman.

“Babies look better when they’re all dressed up—in bacon.”

“Life isn’t so bad. I’m not fat (unless you’re Gandhi), I’m not short (unless yo…”

“I have a stalker, a beautiful one: the sunset. Every day she’s there, watching …”

“I’ll tell myself whatever I need to hear to stop listening.”